Fair Play for beginners: How to use the tool in a way that actually works
If you’re a parent of young kids, chances are you’ve heard someone mention Fair Play. Maybe a friend recommended the book. Maybe you bought the cards during a late-night “something has to change” moment after realizing you were the only person in the house who knew where the dentist's office was… If you are like many of the parents I work with, the cards are currently sitting in a drawer.
Not because they don’t care about fairness. Not because their partner refuses to help. Usually, it’s because the start goes sideways.
When couples jump straight into dividing the cards, the whole activity can quickly turn into a scorecard. Who does more? Who is failing? Sometimes, instead of reducing tension around the invisible labor of running a household, Fair Play can accidentally create more of it.
I know this because I did it wrong the first time.
One night after our kids were finally in bed, my husband and I spread all the cards out across our dining room table. At the time, we had just had our second child and I was transitioning back to work. I had just discovered Fair Play and was excited about the possibility of finally having a clearer and more equitable breakdown of labor at home. My husband was reluctant, but willing to play along if there was a chance it would help me feel less crazy.
So we poured a glass of wine and started sorting.
I would like to formally warn you: this is not a good idea.
In fact, when I later completed the therapist training with the Fair Play team, they specifically described this approach as the opposite of a good start. It turns out that when couples immediately start dividing cards, the conversation can get defensive very quickly.
Fair Play works much better when you treat it as a communication tool, not a negotiation.
The cards are not meant to prove someone right and someone wrong. They are not meant to show who does more. And, surprisingly to some couples, they are not even meant to divide labor perfectly equally. Instead, the goal is clarity.
Fair Play helps couples see the invisible work that keeps a household running. Once that work is visible, partners can decide together how they want to share it.
If you are a parent of young kids, it won’t surprise you to learn that invisible work is everywhere. It’s noticing when the kids need new shoes. Remembering the medical form that’s due tomorrow. Realizing the dishwasher detergent is almost gone before it actually runs out. Many couples are not fighting about chores. They are fighting about who is responsible for remembering the chores exist.
Fair Play gives couples a language for that. So if you’re opening the cards for the first time, here’s a much calmer way to begin.
Step one: Start with the stories
Before assigning a single card, start by talking about where you both learned how families work. Pull a few random cards and ask questions like:
Who handled this in your house growing up?
Did you notice the work being done as a kid?
Was it something people talked about, or did it just happen quietly in the background?
This conversation can be surprisingly eye-opening. Many people grew up in homes where certain work was simply assumed to belong to one person. Others grew up in households where things were shared more fluidly. Either way, each of us is shaped by our families of origin, and our blueprint for what we expect is often subconscious; it grows from what was modeled in our homes growing up.
When couples skip this step, they often end up arguing about logistics when they’re actually bumping into different expectations about what family life should look like.
Step two: Define your minimum standard of care
One of the most useful Fair Play concepts is something called the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC). This process means that before deciding who holds the “Dishes” card, pause and talk about what doing dishes well actually means in your house.
Does the dishwasher need to run every night?
Should the sink be empty before bed?
Is it acceptable to leave dishes after a meal if the “dishes” person isn’t home?
You might be surprised how often couples have very different expectations but have never said them out loud.
Once you agree on the minimum standard, the partner holding that card becomes responsible for meeting it. And this is important: the other partner agrees to stop supervising how it gets done.
If your partner loads the dishwasher in a way that deeply offends you aesthetically but still meets the agreed-upon standard, the Fair Play framework suggests letting it go. Yes, even if the bowls are on the top rack. Even if you would do it another way. The point is that you don’t have to do it at all. And the cost of that (as long as the MSC is met) is that it might not be done your way.
Step three: Practice CPE before you divide cards
Another core Fair Play idea is something called CPE: Conception, Planning, and Execution. Most household work is not just about doing a task once. It involves remembering it needs to happen, planning the details, and then carrying it out.
Before assigning cards, it can help to walk through this together using a random example.
Take birthday parties.
Conception might involve realizing your child’s birthday is coming up, asking whether he or she wants a party, and thinking through dates that could work. Planning could include choosing a theme, making a guest list, sending invitations, buying decorations, ordering a cake, and figuring out what the kids will actually do during the party. Execution is the part people tend to see. Hosting the party, lighting the candles, managing the chaos.
Many times, there’s one partner who jumps in at the execution and then is confused when their partner doesn’t think they did enough at the party. It’s generally the same crew who says, “Give me a list and I’ll do it!” The purpose of CPE is to talk about all that goes into the party, divide the tasks in a way that feels right to you, and also, to give one another credit (by expressing gratitude) for the work done.
Step four: Now you can divide the cards
Only after you’ve talked through family patterns, minimum standards, and CPE should you start dividing the cards. Transparently, getting to this point should take weeks and several conversations.
At this point, dividing the cards feels less tense because both partners understand what each card actually represents.
A final thought
If you try this and the conversation starts to feel tense, stuck, or oddly familiar, you’re not alone. A lot of couples begin the Fair Play process with good intentions, but quickly fall into the same patterns that made the system necessary in the first place. One partner starts explaining the framework, organizing the conversation, reminding the other person what cards mean, and suddenly the whole exercise feels like another project to manage.
Fair Play works best when both partners feel curious and collaborative—not defensive. If the conversation starts to feel contentious, it can be a sign that the two of you might benefit from a little more structure or support as you learn the framework.
Sometimes, having a neutral third person guide the conversation can help couples slow down, understand the concepts more clearly, and avoid turning the process into a debate about who does more.
If you find yourself feeling stuck, frustrated, or like you’re carrying the mental load of the Fair Play conversation itself, that’s a perfectly good reason to reach out for support. A therapist or facilitator who understands the framework can help couples move through the process in a way that actually lightens the load instead of adding to it.
About the author
Kylie Hempy is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) who works with women navigating pregnancy, postpartum, and the identity shifts that come with motherhood - especially those balancing careers, ambition, and the mental load at home. Her work focuses on helping women feel more like themselves again, build sustainable support systems, and move through this season with greater clarity and self-compassion. In addition to her 1:1 work, she also facilitates Default Parent, Working Mom, and New Mom support groups.
She is based in Sonoma County and sees clients both in-person at her Petaluma office, and throughout California via Telehealth.
